Getaway..

Dreamy

2007-02-24T05:03:00.000+03:00

2007-02-24T03:28:00.000+03:00

About three weeks ago I was trying as much as i could to pull things together, I was thinking, if something else happened in the upcoming days, that would be it, I'll just... fall, & it'd take me a very long time to rise up again, i convinced myself with the idea of surviving " one terrible day at a time",& i sort of did.but the expected arrived sooner than i thought it would, and i fell.

I'm not going to talk about what happened because until now my mind just can't absorb all that, i put up with a lot of things for the past four years thinking they'd end with the thing that i wanted the most, but now i can't have it.I'm still in shock, i cry for hours, i sleep as much as i can, & that's how i deal with it, like i always do.

i don't know how I'm going to survive this, but for the first time in my life, i won't give myself the chance or time to deal with things the way i always do,I'm still mad as hell, and I'll keep on crying as long as it makes me feel better, i just want to rise up again. and i have no idea how I'm going to do that.

I'm afraid i won't be able to do what i promise myself, I'm afraid these words I'm writing are just words, and that they're not a promise they're just a desperate attempt to look at the whole thing in a different way.

Just for now,I'll just try to get out of bed in the morning, I'll pray to god to help me thru this, I'll pray for a second chance,and I'm definitely getting a new haircut :)

Just Feel Better

2007-02-12T03:22:00.000+03:00

I don't feel like writing, this song says it all.

Just Feel Better - Santana (feat. Steven Tyler)

She said I feel stranded

And I can't tell anymore

If I'm coming or I'm going

It's not how I planned it

I've got a key to the door

But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know

Part of me says let it go

That life happens for a reason

I don't, I don't, I don't

Because it never worked before

But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way

Girl I need a change

And I do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me

I'm a little far from the shore

And I'm afraid of sinking

You're the only one who knows me

And who doesn't ignore

That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know

Part of me says let it go

Everything must have a season

Round and round it goes

And every day's the one before

But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way

God I need a change

And I'd do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on

To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah

It's really getting old, and

I think I need a little help this time!

2007-02-02T01:08:00.000+03:00

Sorry to disappoint you but, I'm not always nice, i know the whole thing is against your plans but, I've had it. I'm sick of being the only connection between both of you, it is SO exhausting being in the middle of all this, for god's sake try to talk, fix it. Don't you think i have problems too, just because i don't come crying to you every time something happens. believe me I'm not as strong as u think i am, i came to a point that i don't think i can carry on... and i just want to stop, but you just can't see it. All i do is try to protect all of you, and i have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but you just can't see it because I'm too damn good at smiling at your face and trying to comfort you when you're down. and all you do in return is making me feel bad about myself, i can't believe you're underestimating my feelings, i can't believe I'm not good enough for you. But you never imagined your life without me, cause i never let you down , and that's how much i love you, which is probably a mistake.

Bittersweet Symphony

2007-02-01T06:32:00.000+03:00

Bittersweet Symphony...The Verve

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

Try to make ends meet You're a slave to money then you die

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change I can change, I can change

But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold

But I'm a million different people from one day to the next

I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray But tonight I'm on my knees yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change I can change, I can change

But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold

And I'm a million different people from one day to the next

I can't change my mold

No, no, no, no, no I can't change I can't change

2007-01-29T01:02:00.001+03:00

12 days to go
my mind is blank...I've been trying to say a lot of things but the words won't come out, i got a Pen and a paper and forced myself to write something, but kept starring at that paper for hours.
I've been having nightmares , i wake up in the middle of the night, see things from my dreams and hear people talking in my head. i see flashes of light , and i can't hear what's being said. i remember when i was young ... i used to pray to god every night before i sleep,to make me stop dreaming.
I'm completely aware that I've been driving people away lately. i don't know why. i have a million reason and all of them don't make any sense to me.
i feel completely out of control, I'm trying to hate someone that i love, my friends aren't really my friends , I'm angry, and trying to be tough.
Trying to figure things out, though sometimes it's Crystal clear to me, i don't know what's holding me back.
Nagat's ana ba3sha2 elba7r, bittersweet symphony by"the verve", we pink floyyyyyyd.

2007-01-21T03:10:00.000+03:00

I feel so lonely these days, it hurts . Sometimes i feel that i need a brand new start, that i should leave everything behind ... and start a new life.

Moon river

2007-01-20T16:49:00.000+03:00

By the artist Tommie Olofsson.

love it when i'm wrong :)

2007-01-20T14:29:00.000+03:00

years ago, at a time i reached a point of peace and satisfaction when it came to my thoughts and beliefs.

Ideas started to rise and shine in my head, and at that time I thought they'd never change, I was a strong stubborn believer, but over the years my thoughts started to change, and I used to hate it.

I used to hate that I was wrong, that I spent that much time to figure out what -I now think- is right, I used to hate that I had to replace what I strongly believed in with what I thought can never appeal to me . May be because I don't like change, I hate the feeling of regret, or I always like to be right :)

Recently (after a series of unfortunate events), I discovered how "right" it is, to find out that you were wrong, it's like being stuck In the shell that you built yourself, no matter how exposed you were to the world around you , you'll never work it out or understand, and you will never find an answer because the question is always WHY?, and the why thing -most of the time- is "why are things going on a different direction away from what I think they should?". And after a while though you built that shell yourself, you won't seem to find your way out.

It might be confusing, disappointing or frustrating, because we learn the hard way, but in some cases it provides you with answers, and new open doors.

2007-01-07T01:22:00.000+03:00

i love this movie " cast away", this part is my fav., dancing on the sound made by the photocopier, it's amazing how you can have a special moment out of simple things, especially noisy ones :)

New Beginings

2007-01-06T19:12:00.000+03:00

I used to have my own special tradition on new year's eve, of course i watch home alone the first or the second part with my sisters, dun like the third, i hate that new kid, i watch that movie every year, and i never get bored, i laugh and cry as if it's the first time for me to watch it. i keep my very precious possessions in boxes, i don't open them a lot, i just keep adding stuff there without looking at the old ones, except of course on a bad day, when i need to be reminded of some memories. When i was young i used to link every place to a certain smell, and even people, my KG class used to have a certain smell, i still remember it , i feel it when i meet my friends that used to go to school with me, even though 15 years have passed. Everything in my boxes smells like the old days. i keep in it my certificates, medals, photos, cinema and opera tickets, cards i used to receive from my cousin and sisters on special occasions, i have a paper that my dad wrote for me on my 16th birthday, " happy birthday Sarah, sweet 16", with colors and glitters and everything, i woke up and found it hung on my bedroom's door that day. Before the clock strikes midnight, i get a pen and a paper, and write .. how i see myself in the new year, i make a list of the things i need to change, my hopes, aspirations,.. my resolutions, every year i promise my self a new beginning, and put the paper in the box, along with he cards and photos that keeps some memories alive, i have a paper for each year. At midnight i go out to the balcony and watch the fireworks and the glass people throw from their windows, i feel so lucky when it rains.. it gives me hope. I haven't done all that for three years, that was the fourth, i can't really feel the spirit of the new year, and i can't promise myself a new beginning, not now anyway. a friend of mine asked me when are we going to feel that a new year has come.. i told her when we let it.. I'm still living in 2006.

Morning...Morning!!

2007-01-05T01:45:00.000+03:00

2007-01-05T01:10:00.001+03:00

" It's not you...it's him" , i kept repeating those words for days, it's funny but when a relationship doesn't work, people go thru a lot of phases until they start blaming themselves, i always do this. Two of my friends are going thru this just like i am, and as selfish as it may sound, it makes me feel better. As i'm trying to understand why i don't have a special place in this person's heart, a small part of his life, some time that he dedicates to think of me. i'm sure that my friends are special enough to be loved.., and make a relationship work.

bottom line.. the it's not you it's him thing is pathetic, i know who i am, may be it's just not meant to be.

Being sure that admitting that is a big step, i'm not sure how i'm gonna let him go,

Let's just say that i'm working on it...

Reasons

2006-12-23T02:49:00.000+03:00

i gathered all my reasons and put them in a box, a long time ago, it was a beautiful box. i don't know why i did that, may be i wanted them to be protected, may be i was afraid that i would forget them someday, may be because that's what i do, i find the perfect wrapping for every lie, lost love, fading dream. or may be i just needed a reason to move on.

I can't seem to make you mine

2006-12-13T14:23:00.000+03:00

In the silence of the garden

Moss arizing on the wind

And the beast is pondering love love love

'Till the rusty nail grow dim

I can't seem to make you mine

Through the long and lonely night

And I try so hard, darling

But the crowd pulled you away

Through the rhythm and the rain

And the ivy coiled around my hand

So I lingered with the people

In the silent August glade

But the rain has brought the night

And the night has brought the rain

I can't seem to make you mine

Through the long and lonely night

And I try so hard, darling

But the crowd pulled you away

Through the rhythm and the rain

And the ivy coiled around my hand

The Clientele, i can't seem to make you mine, from "The lake house" movie.

Back

2006-12-12T03:15:00.000+03:00

She held her cup of coffee, before it touched her smile she looked at me with her radiant eyes... Full of joy, "For how long am I going to stay like this? Is it ever going to end?" I said to myself that afternoon. I'm trying hard to get over all this, but I guess it's not enough, may be it's just a matter of time, a year has passed, I know that, " time heals the wounds", I just need more time. But does she have to bear all that with me? She's the first person I go to when I'm down; she's the shoulder I cry on... My best friend. "She has problems too", I remember that night when I broke down, I called her and I started crying, 30 minutes non-stop, she didn't say a word, she was crying too, it was the only thing she could do then, and I felt closer to her more than ever. I have to start pretending again, I need to hide behind that wall; I've always been good at hiding, I prepared my self for a girls night out, just like the ones we used to have before it all started, I chose the perfect outfit, accessories, I used my concealer to hide the bags under my eyes. We met at our favorite café, I looked happier than ever, we laughed , giggled, I hid behind the fake smiles I worked on in front of the mirror before I went out. She took a sip of her coffee, put the cup back on the table, "I'm glad you're back", she said.

Broken

2006-12-08T23:45:00.000+03:00

Don't ever think that you could break me, I'm the one that let you...

Y

2006-12-08T23:26:00.000+03:00

Why can't i let my eyes meet yours as u speak? Why do i freeze and don't say a word when you're around? Why do i feel so cold when we shake hands? Why am i still convinced that you're broken and that i need to fix you? Why do i still have faith in you? why can't i just let you go?

Acceptance

2006-12-04T22:05:00.000+03:00

I believe that everything happens for a reason. i never understand whatever comes my way unexpectedly, & for those with undesired consequences i become depressed just for the thought that in my search for answers, i don't find any. Lacking my reason, i end up refusing whatever happened, no matter how much time passes, i reject it, like a wound that i choose not to heal, only because i don't accept any cure other than what i searched for and haven't found. "It's not worth it", i tried so hard for the past few months not to hear those words , i don't care how many times i heard them from other people, as long as i don't say them to myself. To do that, i just stopped, i quit everything, i neglected my work, my family, my friends, i gave up to that empty space , that vacuum that kept pulling me towards it, & that was the first time for me to accept anything, as for this time, any reason wouldn't have been satisfying. I used to take time to realize and absorb what is going on around me , because i deserve to know, i owe it to other people, i used to stand in the middle of a crowded room , i look around me, everything goes mute, then i know.. & answer back with a smile .. i don't do that anymore. I became so isolated that i haven't even noticed a change until people told me that i'm not the same, that my eyes are sad. I stopped talking to myself like i used to, because in the middle of a conversation i might say what i don't want to hear, and then it becomes true, & i can't afford listening to these words, though they repeated themselves in my mind a million times. Yesterday, i woke up & looked in the mirror, still imprisoned by that empty space, losing interest in the small things that i always thought Gave my life a meaning & added a taste, i said it.. , i spoke the words, i heard them, repeating them..i cried, but my tears finally met my smile, for i didn't accept the words....for no reason.

Getaway..

2006-11-30T15:50:00.000+03:00

i never thought i would ever replace a pen & a paper with this, but i never fail to surprise my self :), welcome to my getaway.