Dreamy

About three weeks ago I was trying as much as i could to pull things together, I was thinking, if something else happened in the upcoming days, that would be it, I'll just... fall, & it'd take me a very long time to rise up again, i convinced myself with the idea of surviving " one terrible day at a time",& i sort of did.but the expected arrived sooner than i thought it would, and i fell.

I'm not going to talk about what happened because until now my mind just can't absorb all that, i put up with a lot of things for the past four years thinking they'd end with the thing that i wanted the most, but now i can't have it.I'm still in shock, i cry for hours, i sleep as much as i can, & that's how i deal with it, like i always do.

i don't know how I'm going to survive this, but for the first time in my life, i won't give myself the chance or time to deal with things the way i always do,I'm still mad as hell, and I'll keep on crying as long as it makes me feel better, i just want to rise up again. and i have no idea how I'm going to do that.

I'm afraid i won't be able to do what i promise myself, I'm afraid these words I'm writing are just words, and that they're not a promise they're just a desperate attempt to look at the whole thing in a different way.

Just for now,I'll just try to get out of bed in the morning, I'll pray to god to help me thru this, I'll pray for a second chance,and I'm definitely getting a new haircut :)

Just Feel Better

I don't feel like writing, this song says it all.

Just Feel Better - Santana (feat. Steven Tyler)

She said I feel stranded

And I can't tell anymore

If I'm coming or I'm going

It's not how I planned it

I've got a key to the door

But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know

Part of me says let it go

That life happens for a reason

I don't, I don't, I don't

Because it never worked before

But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way

Girl I need a change

And I do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me

I'm a little far from the shore

And I'm afraid of sinking

You're the only one who knows me

And who doesn't ignore

That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know

Part of me says let it go

Everything must have a season

Round and round it goes

And every day's the one before

But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way

God I need a change

And I'd do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on

To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah

It's really getting old, and

I think I need a little help this time!

Sorry to disappoint you but, I'm not always nice, i know the whole thing is against your plans but, I've had it. I'm sick of being the only connection between both of you, it is SO exhausting being in the middle of all this, for god's sake try to talk, fix it. Don't you think i have problems too, just because i don't come crying to you every time something happens. believe me I'm not as strong as u think i am, i came to a point that i don't think i can carry on... and i just want to stop, but you just can't see it. All i do is try to protect all of you, and i have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but you just can't see it because I'm too damn good at smiling at your face and trying to comfort you when you're down. and all you do in return is making me feel bad about myself, i can't believe you're underestimating my feelings, i can't believe I'm not good enough for you. But you never imagined your life without me, cause i never let you down , and that's how much i love you, which is probably a mistake.

Bittersweet Symphony

Bittersweet Symphony...The Verve

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

Try to make ends meet You're a slave to money then you die

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change I can change, I can change

But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold

But I'm a million different people from one day to the next

I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray But tonight I'm on my knees yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change I can change, I can change

But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold

And I'm a million different people from one day to the next

I can't change my mold

No, no, no, no, no I can't change I can't change

• 12 days to go
• my mind is blank...I've been trying to say a lot of things but the words won't come out, i got a Pen and a paper and forced myself to write something, but kept starring at that paper for hours.
• I've been having nightmares , i wake up in the middle of the night, see things from my dreams and hear people talking in my head. i see flashes of light , and i can't hear what's being said. i remember when i was young ... i used to pray to god every night before i sleep,to make me stop dreaming.
• I'm completely aware that I've been driving people away lately. i don't know why. i have a million reason and all of them don't make any sense to me.
• i feel completely out of control, I'm trying to hate someone that i love, my friends aren't really my friends , I'm angry, and trying to be tough.
• Trying to figure things out, though sometimes it's Crystal clear to me, i don't know what's holding me back.
• Nagat's ana ba3sha2 elba7r, bittersweet symphony by"the verve", we pink floyyyyyyd.

I feel so lonely these days, it hurts . Sometimes i feel that i need a brand new start, that i should leave everything behind ... and start a new life.

Moon river

By the artist Tommie Olofsson.