About three weeks ago I was trying as much as i could to pull things together, I was thinking, if something else happened in the upcoming days, that would be it, I'll just... fall, & it'd take me a very long time to rise up again, i convinced myself with the idea of surviving " one terrible day at a time",& i sort of did.but the expected arrived sooner than i thought it would, and i fell.

I'm not going to talk about what happened because until now my mind just can't absorb all that, i put up with a lot of things for the past four years thinking they'd end with the thing that i wanted the most, but now i can't have it.I'm still in shock, i cry for hours, i sleep as much as i can, & that's how i deal with it, like i always do.

i don't know how I'm going to survive this, but for the first time in my life, i won't give myself the chance or time to deal with things the way i always do,I'm still mad as hell, and I'll keep on crying as long as it makes me feel better, i just want to rise up again. and i have no idea how I'm going to do that.

I'm afraid i won't be able to do what i promise myself, I'm afraid these words I'm writing are just words, and that they're not a promise they're just a desperate attempt to look at the whole thing in a different way.

Just for now,I'll just try to get out of bed in the morning, I'll pray to god to help me thru this, I'll pray for a second chance,and I'm definitely getting a new haircut :)

Just Feel Better

I don't feel like writing, this song says it all.

Just Feel Better - Santana (feat. Steven Tyler)

She said I feel stranded

And I can't tell anymore

If I'm coming or I'm going

It's not how I planned it

I've got a key to the door

But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know

Part of me says let it go

That life happens for a reason

I don't, I don't, I don't

Because it never worked before

But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way

Girl I need a change

And I do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me

I'm a little far from the shore

And I'm afraid of sinking

You're the only one who knows me

And who doesn't ignore

That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know

Part of me says let it go

Everything must have a season

Round and round it goes

And every day's the one before

But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better

Tell me what to do

You know I can't see through the haze around me

And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way

God I need a change

And I'd do anything to just feel better

Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on

To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah

It's really getting old, and

I think I need a little help this time!

Sorry to disappoint you but, I'm not always nice, i know the whole thing is against your plans but, I've had it. I'm sick of being the only connection between both of you, it is SO exhausting being in the middle of all this, for god's sake try to talk, fix it. Don't you think i have problems too, just because i don't come crying to you every time something happens. believe me I'm not as strong as u think i am, i came to a point that i don't think i can carry on... and i just want to stop, but you just can't see it. All i do is try to protect all of you, and i have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but you just can't see it because I'm too damn good at smiling at your face and trying to comfort you when you're down. and all you do in return is making me feel bad about myself, i can't believe you're underestimating my feelings, i can't believe I'm not good enough for you. But you never imagined your life without me, cause i never let you down , and that's how much i love you, which is probably a mistake.

• 12 days to go
• my mind is blank...I've been trying to say a lot of things but the words won't come out, i got a Pen and a paper and forced myself to write something, but kept starring at that paper for hours.
• I've been having nightmares , i wake up in the middle of the night, see things from my dreams and hear people talking in my head. i see flashes of light , and i can't hear what's being said. i remember when i was young ... i used to pray to god every night before i sleep,to make me stop dreaming.
• I'm completely aware that I've been driving people away lately. i don't know why. i have a million reason and all of them don't make any sense to me.
• i feel completely out of control, I'm trying to hate someone that i love, my friends aren't really my friends , I'm angry, and trying to be tough.
• Trying to figure things out, though sometimes it's Crystal clear to me, i don't know what's holding me back.
• Nagat's ana ba3sha2 elba7r, bittersweet symphony by"the verve", we pink floyyyyyyd.

I feel so lonely these days, it hurts . Sometimes i feel that i need a brand new start, that i should leave everything behind ... and start a new life.

New Beginings

I used to have my own special tradition on new year's eve, of course i watch home alone the first or the second part with my sisters, dun like the third, i hate that new kid, i watch that movie every year, and i never get bored, i laugh and cry as if it's the first time for me to watch it. i keep my very precious possessions in boxes, i don't open them a lot, i just keep adding stuff there without looking at the old ones, except of course on a bad day, when i need to be reminded of some memories. When i was young i used to link every place to a certain smell, and even people, my KG class used to have a certain smell, i still remember it , i feel it when i meet my friends that used to go to school with me, even though 15 years have passed. Everything in my boxes smells like the old days. i keep in it my certificates, medals, photos, cinema and opera tickets, cards i used to receive from my cousin and sisters on special occasions, i have a paper that my dad wrote for me on my 16th birthday, " happy birthday Sarah, sweet 16", with colors and glitters and everything, i woke up and found it hung on my bedroom's door that day. Before the clock strikes midnight, i get a pen and a paper, and write .. how i see myself in the new year, i make a list of the things i need to change, my hopes, aspirations,.. my resolutions, every year i promise my self a new beginning, and put the paper in the box, along with he cards and photos that keeps some memories alive, i have a paper for each year. At midnight i go out to the balcony and watch the fireworks and the glass people throw from their windows, i feel so lucky when it rains.. it gives me hope. I haven't done all that for three years, that was the fourth, i can't really feel the spirit of the new year, and i can't promise myself a new beginning, not now anyway. a friend of mine asked me when are we going to feel that a new year has come.. i told her when we let it.. I'm still living in 2006.