Acceptance

I believe that everything happens for a reason. i never understand whatever comes my way unexpectedly, & for those with undesired consequences i become depressed just for the thought that in my search for answers, i don't find any. Lacking my reason, i end up refusing whatever happened, no matter how much time passes, i reject it, like a wound that i choose not to heal, only because i don't accept any cure other than what i searched for and haven't found. "It's not worth it", i tried so hard for the past few months not to hear those words , i don't care how many times i heard them from other people, as long as i don't say them to myself. To do that, i just stopped, i quit everything, i neglected my work, my family, my friends, i gave up to that empty space , that vacuum that kept pulling me towards it, & that was the first time for me to accept anything, as for this time, any reason wouldn't have been satisfying. I used to take time to realize and absorb what is going on around me , because i deserve to know, i owe it to other people, i used to stand in the middle of a crowded room , i look around me, everything goes mute, then i know.. & answer back with a smile .. i don't do that anymore. I became so isolated that i haven't even noticed a change until people told me that i'm not the same, that my eyes are sad. I stopped talking to myself like i used to, because in the middle of a conversation i might say what i don't want to hear, and then it becomes true, & i can't afford listening to these words, though they repeated themselves in my mind a million times. Yesterday, i woke up & looked in the mirror, still imprisoned by that empty space, losing interest in the small things that i always thought Gave my life a meaning & added a taste, i said it.. , i spoke the words, i heard them, repeating them..i cried, but my tears finally met my smile, for i didn't accept the words....for no reason.