• 12 days to go
• my mind is blank...I've been trying to say a lot of things but the words won't come out, i got a Pen and a paper and forced myself to write something, but kept starring at that paper for hours.
• I've been having nightmares , i wake up in the middle of the night, see things from my dreams and hear people talking in my head. i see flashes of light , and i can't hear what's being said. i remember when i was young ... i used to pray to god every night before i sleep,to make me stop dreaming.
• I'm completely aware that I've been driving people away lately. i don't know why. i have a million reason and all of them don't make any sense to me.
• i feel completely out of control, I'm trying to hate someone that i love, my friends aren't really my friends , I'm angry, and trying to be tough.
• Trying to figure things out, though sometimes it's Crystal clear to me, i don't know what's holding me back.
• Nagat's ana ba3sha2 elba7r, bittersweet symphony by"the verve", we pink floyyyyyyd.

I feel so lonely these days, it hurts . Sometimes i feel that i need a brand new start, that i should leave everything behind ... and start a new life.

Moon river

By the artist Tommie Olofsson.

love it when i'm wrong :)

years ago, at a time i reached a point of peace and satisfaction when it came to my thoughts and beliefs.

Ideas started to rise and shine in my head, and at that time I thought they'd never change, I was a strong stubborn believer, but over the years my thoughts started to change, and I used to hate it.

I used to hate that I was wrong, that I spent that much time to figure out what -I now think- is right, I used to hate that I had to replace what I strongly believed in with what I thought can never appeal to me . May be because I don't like change, I hate the feeling of regret, or I always like to be right :)

Recently (after a series of unfortunate events), I discovered how "right" it is, to find out that you were wrong, it's like being stuck In the shell that you built yourself, no matter how exposed you were to the world around you , you'll never work it out or understand, and you will never find an answer because the question is always WHY?, and the why thing -most of the time- is "why are things going on a different direction away from what I think they should?". And after a while though you built that shell yourself, you won't seem to find your way out.

It might be confusing, disappointing or frustrating, because we learn the hard way, but in some cases it provides you with answers, and new open doors.

i love this movie " cast away", this part is my fav., dancing on the sound made by the photocopier, it's amazing how you can have a special moment out of simple things, especially noisy ones :)

New Beginings

I used to have my own special tradition on new year's eve, of course i watch home alone the first or the second part with my sisters, dun like the third, i hate that new kid, i watch that movie every year, and i never get bored, i laugh and cry as if it's the first time for me to watch it. i keep my very precious possessions in boxes, i don't open them a lot, i just keep adding stuff there without looking at the old ones, except of course on a bad day, when i need to be reminded of some memories. When i was young i used to link every place to a certain smell, and even people, my KG class used to have a certain smell, i still remember it , i feel it when i meet my friends that used to go to school with me, even though 15 years have passed. Everything in my boxes smells like the old days. i keep in it my certificates, medals, photos, cinema and opera tickets, cards i used to receive from my cousin and sisters on special occasions, i have a paper that my dad wrote for me on my 16th birthday, " happy birthday Sarah, sweet 16", with colors and glitters and everything, i woke up and found it hung on my bedroom's door that day. Before the clock strikes midnight, i get a pen and a paper, and write .. how i see myself in the new year, i make a list of the things i need to change, my hopes, aspirations,.. my resolutions, every year i promise my self a new beginning, and put the paper in the box, along with he cards and photos that keeps some memories alive, i have a paper for each year. At midnight i go out to the balcony and watch the fireworks and the glass people throw from their windows, i feel so lucky when it rains.. it gives me hope. I haven't done all that for three years, that was the fourth, i can't really feel the spirit of the new year, and i can't promise myself a new beginning, not now anyway. a friend of mine asked me when are we going to feel that a new year has come.. i told her when we let it.. I'm still living in 2006.

Morning...Morning!!

" It's not you...it's him" , i kept repeating those words for days, it's funny but when a relationship doesn't work, people go thru a lot of phases until they start blaming themselves, i always do this. Two of my friends are going thru this just like i am, and as selfish as it may sound, it makes me feel better. As i'm trying to understand why i don't have a special place in this person's heart, a small part of his life, some time that he dedicates to think of me. i'm sure that my friends are special enough to be loved.., and make a relationship work.

bottom line.. the it's not you it's him thing is pathetic, i know who i am, may be it's just not meant to be.

Being sure that admitting that is a big step, i'm not sure how i'm gonna let him go,

Let's just say that i'm working on it...