About three weeks ago I was trying as much as i could to pull things together, I was thinking, if something else happened in the upcoming days, that would be it, I'll just... fall, & it'd take me a very long time to rise up again, i convinced myself with the idea of surviving " one terrible day at a time",& i sort of did.but the expected arrived sooner than i thought it would, and i fell.

I'm not going to talk about what happened because until now my mind just can't absorb all that, i put up with a lot of things for the past four years thinking they'd end with the thing that i wanted the most, but now i can't have it.I'm still in shock, i cry for hours, i sleep as much as i can, & that's how i deal with it, like i always do.

i don't know how I'm going to survive this, but for the first time in my life, i won't give myself the chance or time to deal with things the way i always do,I'm still mad as hell, and I'll keep on crying as long as it makes me feel better, i just want to rise up again. and i have no idea how I'm going to do that.

I'm afraid i won't be able to do what i promise myself, I'm afraid these words I'm writing are just words, and that they're not a promise they're just a desperate attempt to look at the whole thing in a different way.

Just for now,I'll just try to get out of bed in the morning, I'll pray to god to help me thru this, I'll pray for a second chance,and I'm definitely getting a new haircut :)